Person-to-person: How to get your temper under control for Yom Kippur
“When people learn to calmly ask for what they need, they don’t feel
like yelling so much. It takes constant practice to learn how to ask
people to help you or give you something."
By JUDI LIGHT HOPSON, EMMA H. HOPSON, TED HAGEN
Do you have a fiery streak of anger in you? Have you yelled out, behaved
badly, or flat-out made a fool of yourself on many occasions?
If so, it’s time you moved from this emotional state. Why? It will not
only make you feel out of control, but it will also cause you to lose
control of many aspects of your life.People will have trouble trusting
you with sensitive information if you have a temper. Coworkers may not
open up about important problems, fearing you’ll blame them. Family
members will avoid sharing time with you as well.
In short, going into a tirade will short circuit your success in relationships and career opportunities.
Going into attack mode will work if someone is trying to hurt you
physically. And most of us would throw a wild fit if someone attacked
one of our loved ones.
But unless danger is coming down, it pays to stay calm in most situations.
These tips can help:• Decide in advance you will keep your cool. Decide
this every day. It’s easier to avoid screaming at someone, if you’ve
already made up your mind to behave.
• Realize you can react later. Just because you’re not showing anger in a
given moment doesn’t mean you can’t confront someone after you’ve
thought things through.
• Count on anger flubbing your ability to think rationally. This can be
embarrassing. For instance, a woman we know says she once screamed at
the wrong bank teller. She had been shorted $100, but she went back to
the wrong line to complain after going to her car.
• See yourself as a strong, calm person. This takes practice over time.
Your “I’ll show them” attitude of biting back did not come on overnight.
“I really believe people are more respectful of, and even afraid of, a
calm person,” says a lawyer friend of ours. “People who can look someone
in the eye and not act crazy can hold up well in court. That’s why I
tell people if they can stay calm in bad situations, they can gain
respect from those who are doing them harm. Picture a car accident. If
you someone hits you, and you don’t overreact, they’ll know your version
of the incident will carry weight with authority figures.”
Having a temper and feeling legitimate anger are two separate issues.
Most of us can get very angry several times a day. How we deal with that
anger will empower us or make us feel weak.
“I’ve learned to speak my emotions, versus acting them out,” says a
nurse we’ll call Donna. “There are patients who try your nerves to the
max. You just want to scream.”
Donna says she’ll say to someone, “Let’s figure out what to do here, but
stop yelling. I promise you I want to help, but you’ve got to stay calm
and trust me.”
Donna says she’s learned that yelling and screaming are really fear
factors. “People are worried about something, so they want everyone
within 100 miles to know it,” she explains. “They are worried they won’t
get what they want or need.”
A psychologist we’ll call Alex sums it up this way: “When people learn
to calmly ask for what they need, they don’t feel like yelling so much.
It takes constant practice to learn how to ask people to help you or
give you something. But, it’s amazing how mastering this can improve the
quality of your life.” (TNS)
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